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Gaining a Child’s Trust
Gaining a Child’s Trust by Rexanne Mancini My daughters and I went to the beach several weeks ago. They were having a blast playing in the freezing cold water as I tiptoed around the waves, trying to keep my feet from becoming frost bitten. Next to us in the water was a mother with her daughter who was no more than 18 months old. This woman was holding her frightened little girl hostage in the ocean as the bitter cold waves crashed into her and rushed back with a fierce undertow. The poor child was screaming and crying, begging to be rescued from the torture. Her mother thought this was amusing. She laughed at her baby’s fear and grinned at everyone around her. I was disgusted and horrified. I finally told the mother that I didn’t find the situation at all funny. I have no idea if my words had any impact. By then, my own kids had finally remembered they had nerve endings and were shivering uncontrollably, begging for the warmth of their dry towels and warm sweatshirts. We left the water’s edge and the sickening site of mother traumatizing baby. Did this mother realize she was probably investing her daughter with an irrational fear of the ocean? I doubt it. When I see a parent forcing a child to tolerate something potentially fear inducing, it curdles my blood. This child was traumatized and her mother was not helping her escape the offensive waves. She was the cause of her child’s trauma. Where is the trust in this relationship? Will this little girl grow up believing that her mother will always be there for her or resent her mom for belittling her sensitivities? I think the latter. I dread thinking about all the ways this child will, in turn, torture her mother without realizing why. Will she try drugs or alcohol at an early age? Will she indulge in promiscuous sexual behavior at an inappropriate time? Will she be so anesthetized to her self-worth that she drives her first car into a wall at 18? Could be. In my opinion, this mother is treating her baby with disrespect at the most basic level. Instinctual fear is not something we should laugh at our toddler for having, thereby teaching her that her feelings and natural fear of big looming ice cold waves or any other potentially frightening fact of life is dismissed as meaningless. To this child, Mom is saying her whole existence is disdained, her feelings don’t matter and her mother is not there to protect her but to throw her into the pits of hell for her own amusement. I’ve seen this happen at amusement parks, playgrounds and schools. No matter what your child is afraid of, respect his fear, acknowledge his trepidation of the unknown and understand that with compassion and tolerance, he will overcome these basic, natural fears with time and maturity. Some children are more sensitive than others. You might have a child who embraces adventure and roller coasters with passion or a child who is horrified by a small slide at the park. This is your baby. No matter what you think they should be feeling, they have their own wiring. They’re going to move at their own internal pace. Let’s respect and honor that pace which in turn shows our child that we respect and honor him. This sets a healthy foundation for self-esteem and self-respect, which is so very important for our children to function at their best in the world. Copyright – 2000-2002- Rexanne Mancini ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters, Justice and Liberty. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com – http://www.rexanne.com -Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: http://www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Head Lice
Head Lice by Rexanne Mancini I laugh I the face of chaos … better to laugh about it than fall to your knees, weeping from sheer panic and horror if and when your child brings head lice, this dreaded but very common liability of childhood, into your home. Yes, my kids have had head lice. No, they are not dirty or poorly groomed, nor do they hang out with dirty kids. How these perfectly awful little stinkers found their way into our home was on my older daughter’s head, courtesy of one of her classmates. As soon as we managed to eradicate the first offense, my younger daughter started scratching her bean, thank you. This went on for six gruesome weeks, passing from one kid to the other. I ran more than 90 loads of laundry, destroying most of our better linens, clothes and comforters by boiling them in the hottest water the washing machine could muster. We sprayed every inch of our home with pediculicide. We washed our hair daily with lice-killing shampoo until we had blisters from the strong poisons needed to try to kill the vermin and their precious eggs. We pulled nits from our daughter’s long hair for hours at a time, quarantined every stuffed animal and doll with hair for weeks ... all to no avail. My children were traumatized, I was reduced to a crying, hysterical bug-fearing heap and our 19-year-old cat was tortured by twice-weekly flea baths that he appreciated about as much as a bowl of steamed rice. I’m sorry ... I wish I had an answer, a cure ... some hope to offer. I don’t. After week six of lice-induced panic, we finally set off flea bombs in every room of the house, then fled to my mother’s for two hours while the canisters sprayed poison over every inch of our furniture and belongings. Warily, we stepped back into our home where we were greeted by a coat of greasy goop to wipe off every square inch of exposed possessions. I then called my daughter’s school, making it very clear that she would not be returning until I was guaranteed the outbreak was completely eliminated from her classroom. She was home for two more weeks before the school nurse assured me she had sent every child with nits home to live the torture we had. We had finally managed to eradicate the plague. This was more than three years ago ... can you tell it’s still as fresh a trauma in my heart and soul as it was then? Believe it. It is. I have scoured the Internet and read every article I could find about head lice. I want to be armed and prepared for battle if this horror ever cloaks our lives again. No such luck ... everyone out there is as resigned to the meek inheriting our heads as I am not prepared to be. There are a few ideas floating around that I would have tried had I known about them. If you have boys, you can get away with shaving their heads. Yes, this sounds gruesome but you’ll be forever grateful I gave you permission to goof up your son’s hair if he does manage to bring holocaust into your home. If you have daughters, I’m sorry. My heart goes out to you. You can’t really shave a girl’s head in this day and age, although a family friend who is a doctor from Italy recommended we do just that. I giggled, thinking he was sooo from the old school ... I giggle no more! But we didn’t shave our daughters’ heads. We suffered untold hell instead. Apparently, lice have become immune to the various pediculicide treatments on the market. There are quite a few brands of pediculicide shampoo, conditioner and room spray, all with weakening power against the bolstered immune system lice have developed. I’ve heard that tea tree oil, olive oil and rosemary oil are helpful in nixing the little buggers. Hairspray and hair coloring are also good deterrents. Unless you’re ready to dye and spray your kid’s heads, this isn’t an option but you could schedule a dye job early if you color your own hair. Ya know what? I’d color my daughter’s hair. What’s worse? Bathing their little heads in surefire poison? How bad could a bottle of hair dye be compared to insecticide? If it works, count your blessing and wait for it to grow out. One recommendation from my children’s school is to wash their hair vigorously as soon as they come home if there is an outbreak of lice in their classroom. Sounds reasonable. If they did manage to bring home an unwelcome guest, washing their hair and scalp immediately might remove the louse before it has a chance to lay eggs. By all means, be informed. If you never have this massive nightmare visit your home, you’re ten steps ahead in the life of a parent. If you’ve lived it, you’re probably shuddering at the thought of another go-around. If you have head lice breeding in your home as you read this, my heart goes out to you. Know that you have millions of understanding parents who pity you, however the parents of your child’s classmates will positively hate you if you knowingly send your kid to school with head lice. Don’t even think about it ... Copyright – 2000-2003 – Rexanne Mancini ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters, Justice and Liberty. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com – http://www.rexanne.com - Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: http://www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Potty Training
Potty Training …To Train or Not to Train? By Rexanne Mancini I have always found the notion of toilet training a toddler to be a bit much. I didn't feel right about pushing my girls to do something I felt would eventually come naturally. At three years old, both my girls were potty trained ... not because I read books and raced them to the porcelain each time I suspected they should go. They knew what the potty was for. They knew when they had to go. They'd figure it out on their own! Well, by golly, they did! Sure, we went a little stupid each time they were successful users of the throne and they got rewards and accolades just like the kids who were put through a regimen of potty training tactics fit for Patton's soldiers. But we never made it a big issue in our house and, consequently, it never became an issue. I've known parents who felt they had to potty train their babies at two or even younger to enroll them in preschool. We, instead, found a great preschool that accepted kids in diapers. Their philosophy was that the children who were still in diapers would naturally learn to go on the potty by watching the other kids go. I suppose it worked. I never really gave it much thought. Potty eureka just sort of happened around here on its own. I've heard that little girls are easier to potty train than little boys. Any readers out there care to comment? We'd love to hear from you, especially if you've trained both a boy and a girl. As for bed wetting after four or five years of age, some kids just can't help wetting the bed at night. It seems these precious ones are not emotionally unstable, torn apart by low self-esteem or any other old-wives-tale rationale. They simply do not have the capacity to hold their urine and they are deeper sleepers than most. If you have a child who cannot stay dry at night, there is a remedy. Please talk to your child’s pediatrician. Copyright – 2000-2002 – Rexanne Mancini ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters, Justice and Liberty. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com – http://www.rexanne.com -Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: http://www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Teaching Children Good Manners
Teaching Children Good Manners By Rexanne Mancini Last week in my newsletter, I mentioned that my children knew how to behave in nice restaurants because they had been exposed to the atmosphere at an early age. My idea of well behaved might be different from yours, however, I think there are certain basics that are important and universal. When my daughters were babies, we would take them wherever we went. If they began to fuss or cry, one of us would promptly remove them from the room/restaurant/market/wherever. Not because we felt their crying or fussing was a bad thing. No, it's a perfectly normal occurrence for infants and toddlers. We removed them as a courtesy to others who we felt did not need to be as tolerant as we were with our children's noise. In consequence, my daughters know that other people are not as wildly in love with their racket or with them as we are. Nor should they be expected to be. As our children grew older, they were always told the rules of our outings, how to behave and to always speak softly if other adults were present. Sometimes, it's fine to let them get a little crazy ... just know your audience! If we are at a five star restaurant where many other diners have come to enjoy a gracious and expensive meal, would we expect everyone there to be enthralled with junior's vocal or behavioral outbursts? Would we really expect them to care if our child is having a bout with walking pneumonia and coughing uncontrollably? Nope. It's rude. And rudeness is basically nothing more than bad manners. If there is an emergency with your child, by all means don't give a flying flamingo about what others think. But this is the exception. Besides, children who are that sick belong at home, not in public. Last night, my girls and I were in a department store. There was a toddler carrying on and screaming for more than 15 minutes when my younger daughter said: "Now his mommy is going to tell him to stop because there are other people in here that don't want to hear it!" Unfortunately, his mommy did not tell him any such thing. She let him wail and scream and cry, much to the chagrin and annoyance of everyone else in the store. You know what? As much as I love kids and cannot bear to see or hear them suffering, I disliked this kid immensely! My reasoning is this: if our kids learn that they are free to trample on the peace, space or rose gardens of others, they will develop into spoiled and inconsiderate brats. And then who will like them? Who will want to spend time with them? Who, besides their forgiving parents, will be able to tolerate their lack of social graces and good manners? No one … except maybe another ill-mannered person who feels at home with a similarly clueless individual. Do we really want our children reduced to such horrible options? I think not. We teach our children not to steal, lie or punch their brother in the nose. Shouldn't we teach them respect for others at the same time? That their whining and out-of-control behavior is something no one really wants to hear or witness, especially strangers who have no vested interest in their developing minds or self-esteem? A simple reminder of the rules, consistently, works wonders ... eventually. ;-) Good luck. Kids need to learn manners and social graces. They will go farther in life if we teach them well. Copyright – 2000-2002- Rexanne Mancini ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters, Justice and Liberty. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com – http://www.rexanne.com -Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: http://www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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The Importance of Fathers
The Importance of Fathers By Rexanne Mancini There is no doubt that mothers play an all-important leading role in the lives of their children. They are the obvious heroes of child rearing. But what about a father's role? Just how important are the dads of the world compared to the almighty image of mother? My belief is that fathers play just as important a role as mothers. Different, yes. Possibly not as nurturing, not as all-sacrificing but just as important in the developmental and emotional well being of a child. Dads are the solid foundation of our lives. They are the shore we swim to when our arms and legs feel increasingly tired. They are the strength we rely on as we take our first tentative steps into the world. Dads can be tender, tough, fragile or powerful but they are probably the most uncomplicated love we will ever know. For daughters, Daddy is the first man they adore ... the first man whose eyes shine with overwhelming amazement when they look at us. He is the first man to fall in love with us. For sons, Daddy is the idol they first aspire to emulate ... their mirror image of what will be and possibly the only man they will ever feel comfortable loving. Daddy is the first man who held us, as a loving parent, with a lump in his throat so huge, only the joy of that love could erase the overwhelming pain of choking on unexpected raw emotion. I think when a father holds his newborn baby, he is touched by pure vulnerability for the first time in his adult life, leaving him forever humbled by the unexplained miracles of life. For mothers, the father of our children is the one person we can trust to watch over our babies as closely as we would. We are secure in the knowledge of their love for our precious offspring. Dad is the only other person in the world as fascinated with every nuance and murmur of our babies. He is the one person on the planet with whom we can indulge our need to brag and carry on about our kid's accomplishments and heartaches ad nauseum ... one who will be just as interested and never yawn in the face of our devotion. Without dads, we wouldn't be moms. I would like to take the liberty of thanking them from all our hearts for this honor and for being our partners in this business of raising children. Know how much you are loved and revered, guys! You are our trusted soldiers and we need you more than you will ever realize. Copyright – 2000-2002- Rexanne Mancini ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters, Justice and Liberty. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com – http://www.rexanne.com -Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: http://www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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